The Question: How do I get over the mental block and just get a divorce?

(This question is based on a post I recently came across.)

I’ve decided I want a divorce. I’ve been married 15 years and with my husband for 20. I’m 43, and I know I’ll never want to be with him again. We haven’t been intimate in years, and I’ve realized that his behavior—lazy, boring, often taking advantage of me—will never meet my needs.

We have no kids, own a home together, and no debt, so legally the process could be straightforward. I’ve talked to multiple lawyers and could act quickly. But I keep hitting mental roadblocks: the financial impact of splitting retirement accounts and selling the house, reentering a challenging housing market, and the emotional weight of caring for my mom as she battles cancer. Even knowing life will be better without him, I feel stuck. How do I move forward?

My Answer:

I encourage you to view your "mental lock" as useful information. Feeling this way is a sign to pause and reflect.

To help me move forward when I’m in situations like these, I use a concept from my engineering background called necessary conditions.

A necessary condition is something that absolutely must be in place for an outcome to feel successful. I often find that when I’m hesitant to take action or if my plan makes logical sense but something feels off, it’s because one or more necessary conditions aren’t being met.

From what you’ve written, a few necessary conditions seem important to you right now:

• Legally dissolving the marriage and moving forward with your life
• Keeping as much of your money/retirement as possible
• Making the process smooth (not overwhelming or emotionally draining)

Listing out your necessary conditions can help you identify new pathways forward, you can brainstorm options that meet them all that you have already considered or decide to shift/reframe one of the conditions to open up new possibilities.

Here’s how the process could look in your situation (these are just examples to spark ideas; use them as inspiration for how this approach could help, your choice is yours):

Consider options that meet all of your necessary conditions that you may have overlooked.

For example: what about divorcing without selling the house?

Ways this could work might include:

• Moving out temporarily and having him pay you rent
• House-sitting, staying with a friend/family member, or subletting for a while to cut costs
• Taking equity out of the house and buying him out (which could be a long-term win if property values rise in the future)
• And likely many other options

Reframe or shift conditions and see what new options arise.

For example: instead of the necessary condition “keep as much retirement as possible,” you could shift the condition to “ensure I can retire with the lifestyle I want.”

For example, you could talk with a financial planner to run the numbers and get clear on what you actually need for retirement at your desired lifestyle. Perhaps the fear of a financial “hit” is worse than the reality. You may discover that, even after splitting assets, you’re still on track to retire on time and with the lifestyle you want.

Big picture: I want you to know that you likely have more options than you’re currently considering. Your mental lock is not a roadblock, it’s giving you information. I hope you take time to reflect on what’s truly necessary for your future happiness and keep investigating until you find the path that feels right.

PS:  I also want to congratulate you on the steps you’ve already taken. Talking to multiple lawyers and being honest with yourself about your marriage are huge steps. And I want to acknowledge the weight of caring for your mom while navigating all of this; that’s a lot to carry at once. You’re doing a great job.

Best wishes!